Monday 22 December 2008

"All eyes on me in the centre of the ring, just like a circus..."

Confidence is a state of mind.

I know this to be true because I used to have zero. Zilch. Nada. Niente. Nil. You get the picture? Or do I need to google more words for nowt?

In having no confidence I was less attractive, less happy and less able to see the good in others. So I got some. Simple as. I don't know where it came from but it did. I started putting on a facade of confidence and, voila, I had real confidence. It's strange because I didn't even realise I was doing it but I've had a couple of people I've only met recently say that I come across as someone who's really confident. Changing your self image can completely transform the way others see you.

I've always used humour as a defence mechanism.

I have laughed my way through teenage bullying, hard times at university, family illness and anything else you can name. I laughed loudly, heartily and at length (yes, i said length.... stop sniggering). But confidence was always something that eluded me. Until recently. Now I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm under no illusions. I know I should shed a few pounds, go to the gym more and drink less. But the foundations are there. And I'm happy with them.

Compare that with a few months ago. I pretty much hated myself. I was unhappy with the way my life was. I was unemployed, angry and not a particularly nice person to be around. I felt so rubbish about myself that I pushed away the people I love the most. I couldn't see why they wanted to be near me. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. It took a major fallout for me to take a long hard look at myself, realise what I didn't like and where I was going wrong and resolve to change. And I have changed. At least, I'm well on my way...

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy."

I'm ready now.