Friday, 12 December 2008

"I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do..."

How is it possible to completely underestimate how you feel about someone?

I think I've become very good at acting over the last 3 months. Pretending that I no longer care. Laughing. Joking. Convincing everyone around me. Even convincing myself to a certain extent.

But I guess it couldn't stay buried forever. The feelings are too strong for that. This is different to past heartbreak. The pain is stronger. Deeper, somehow. More overwhelming. If I let it, it consumes me. So I don't. I don't think about it. I focus on work. On keeping myself busy. On never stopping... not even for a moment. But tonight I stopped. I thought. I felt.

I ruined everything with my stupid issues. Lack of self esteem was my downfall. And now he thinks he failed me. But he didn't.

I failed me.

I failed us.

Stupid thing is, I've finally sorted myself out. For the first time in my entire adult life I actually like myself. Isn't it ironic (No Alanis, it's not. It's a coincidence).

Too little too late?