Square One

Right. It's time to 'fess up.


If you're a long time reader of CYH you may have realised that I've really not been myself this year. It's fairly easy to tell when I'm not feeling great. I stop posting pictures of myself. I stop posting altogether. I hide away. So, yes. I've not been feeling great. It's not something I want to discuss in any detail, suffice to say I don't really know what's happened to me this year. I seem to have lost myself. After C I promised myself that I would never let my happiness be defined by someone else.

And it worked. I got thin (ish) and happy. Happier than I'd ever been. That picture up there? Lady decadence? That's a Markus Lupfer dress and I bought it because ohthedecadence is my Twitter name. The phrase came about years ago, during a very drunken evening with friends. The word decadence entered our vernacular and we used it to excess. I became known as Decadent Helen. To me it meant happy, exuberant, joyous in the extreme. But I never really felt like that... not until last year.

Then I met a boy at the start of this year. And I kinda liked him. And, inevitably, it went tits up. There were subtle hints about it, if you knew what to look for. Here and here, for example. And definitely here, which was a direct quote from a conversation between me and S. Anyway, my confidence ended up getting crushed in a fairly horrific way and, for some reason, I just never really recovered from it. It brought up old issues from the past and they grew bigger than I could cope with, resulting in some not-so-great happenings.

I'm fairly ashamed to admit it, to be honest. I'm fairly ashamed to admit that I started to hate the way I looked. That I started to avoid looking in the mirror and certainly avoid taking photographs of myself. Towards the end of last year I actually loved the way I looked. Call me vain if you like but I did. I even felt... sexy. Which had never happened before. I felt confident and attractive and so happy. So I'm more than fairly ashamed that I let that get ruined and that I've let it affect me so badly. My state of mind has been pretty bad for the majority of this year and I'm not proud of that. Not at all. Self doubt is a terrible thing and, for me, when it creeps in it affects everything, resulting in some fairly erratic behaviour.

I just wanted to put this out there, really. To show that there is a very real reason why I've not been around so much and why the content of the blog has been disjointed at best. I rejoined Slimming World last night, in an effort to lose the monumental amount of weight that I've gained back due to the Extreme Sadness Anti-Diet (tm). I'm not sure if I've ever really posted on here about my issues with food. About the demons that have haunted me for the best part of 15 years. I don't think I have and I don't intend to now but, if you are interested, the whole warts 'n' all story can be found on my other blog. It doesn't make for pleasant reading, just to warn you.

I am on my way back, it just might take me a little while to get there. Until then, have some photographs of a girl who was learning to love the body she had...

Tru Dat

That.

Is.

All.

Image by the amazing Being Little.

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned... (and not just by eating that cupcake)


It has been 35 days since my last outfit post. It has been 8 days since my last blog post. It has been even longer since I actually posted anything of substance.

There is a reason. Reasons, actually. However, this blog is my happy place and I do not want to go against that by talking about what's been going on this year. Suffice to say, my head is a lot more sorted now than it has been for months. My holiday in Spain was just what I needed to clear my head. A bit of space, a lot of thinking and a few revelations later and... I'm back.

And I have a plan. A plan for infinite happiness, if you will.

A lot of it is not for blog consumption. Not yet anyway. A lot of is long term and currently fairly intangible. But, for now, I'm going to:-

-- Cook from scratch. I LOVE cooking but, for some reason, I've barely cooked at all over the last few months. Unless I'm having someone round I tend to just pick. Or, even worse, pick up a takeaway menu. Not anymore. Last night was smoked haddock risotto with a poached egg. Tonight is turkey bolognese with wholemeal pasta. I feel so much better about myself when I'm eating well and not just shovelling rubbish into my face.

-- Exercise more. That age old resolution. However I never feel better than when I'm doing exercise regularly. I need to dust off my trainers, get out the horrifyingly unflattering dri-fit leggings and RUN.

-- Blog more. Yes, normal service WILL be resumed. Pinky swear.

-- Take more photographs. I used to take my camera everywhere but recently it's rarely left my dining room shelf. I love taking photographs. I love playing about with them after. I want to create things and see the beauty in the world again.


Because there is so much beauty. Even in the darkest hour, there is light. And I think I might just have switched it back on again.

Chairman of the bored

Typical.

I get a weekend all to myself for the first time in I don't know how long and I'm bored. I never get bored! Never! I'm usually very much in the camp of "only the boring get bored" but not this weekend. Whether it's the muggy weather (really warm and sticky but with no sun? What?!), the fact I'm not used to doing nothing or someting else, I just don't know.

 I even got my reader down to zero. Shock, horror.

So, I did what I normally do when I'm having a bout of frustated boredom, I redid the blog. I've tidied up the sidebars a bit and got rid of some bits and pieces that have been there for ages. Plus I've condensed things a little and made some new buttons for the right sidebar. Any thoughts or comments?

I'm not sure if the header will stay (it's a little bit 'HELLO LOOK AT MY GIANT FACE') but it'll do for now. Also, you might notice that I've got rid of the 'With Eyes Wide Open...' It's Clear Your Heart now. In both name and web address. Nice and simple.

Amongst my boredom and blog tinkering I did make one of my favourite treats for lunch... Slimming World chips! These are pretty healthy as they're baked in the oven with Fry Light. My Dad, lover of junk food, has proclaimed these to be better than 'normal chips'.

Chop some potatoes into wedges (or smaller if you prefer).
Put the potatoes into a pan of boiling water, bring back to the boil and leave for eight to ten minutes.
Pre-heat the oven to 190c.
Spray a baking tray liberally with Fry Light (or other low calorie spray) and add spices and seasoning (I use salt, pepper, paprika and my new favourite ingredient... the Nandos Hot Peri Peri Grinder!)
Drain potatoes and shake the pan, so the edges of the wedges are rough and fluffy.
Place the wedges in a single layer on the baking tray, spray with more Fry Light and add more spices and seasoning to taste.
Place the wedges in the oven for 30 minutes, turning them once.

Bob's your Uncle!

Mushy peas... food of the Gods!

Fatty bum bum

So I did it.


I joined Slimming World. Walking into that room full of women (and one man, bless him) was more frightening than taking my driving test, going on the Fourth Plinth, and getting my final University results combined. Or maybe it just felt that way because the terror involved in those experiences has faded into nothingness. I stood outside the meeting room for about five minutes, predictably. I pretended to play with my phone, I talked myself out of going in about six times and then I mentally braced myself for cries of "Oi, fatty" and people grabbing harpoons when I walked in.

Of course, none of that happened. I wasn't the fattest in the room, by a long way (which was my biggest fear), everyone was lovely and I actually had a good time (shock horror). The camaraderie amongst the slimmers was lovely, the atmosphere was lighthearted and there was not an ounce of making you feel bad about yourself.

I've started another blog to document my exciting weight loss journey. I use the word exciting loosely, obviously. I don't think I'm going to link to it from here but if you would like the address then drop me a line and I shall send you it. Be warned though, I've written a post that includes my current weight. It ain't pretty.


Bring it on, Slimming World.

Hello, 2010

Another resolution: Have more appropriate dinners

Yawn.

I'm awake, barely, at 11.15am and blinking bleary-eyed into the glare of the new year. This is my tenth day off work and my usual structured routine (I never wake up past 8am, even at the weekends) has gone completely to pot. Drinking too much, watching too much Family Guy (damn you BBC3) and The Wire and a huge number of films, rising late (and later) and eating far too much rich food has all left me feeling rather lethargic and weary. I am human slug, hear me roar. Or whimper quietly as I shovel some more cocktail sausages into my gob, more like.

New Year's Eve was, predictably, carnage. It began with pink cava, moved swiftly onto Jaegerbombs and ended with drinking vodka and ginger beer (?) at 6am, via drinking I-don't-know-what from a plastic glass in a club rammed with topless men (gotta love those gays). Great night, seriously, but I've been in a bubble of fatigue ever since and now, with work approaching at a frighteningly rapid pace, I'm in the mood for a few resolutions.

I feel the need to cleanse my soul and absolve myself of festive fatness-induced guilt so, here goes....


In 2010, I want to:-

1) Develop a healthier relationship with food and, in the process, finally lose the weight I've been resolving to lose for the past five bazillion years (may not be entirely accurate). Hand in hand with this, I will start going to the gym more and am going to aim for three visits a week.

2) Complete The Big Fifty and to have as many new experiences and adventures as possible. To be open to all possibilities and opportunities and to grab any that come my way.

3) Learn to appreciate everything that I have and live every day like it's my last. To stop wishing for things that may or may not happen and just let what will be will be. Because things always work out in the end, one way or another.


What are your New Year's resolutions?

A toast...

 

... to 2010.

Here's to finding the beauty in the most mundane situations; to positivity and creativity; to laughter, love, friendships and family; to forgiveness and second, third and fourth chances to finally get it right; to health, wealth and happiness.

But above all?

To more magic, more sparkle, more wishes coming true and a more wonderful year for all of us.

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2010 brings you all of the above and so much more xxx

The Best of 2009: Day 2

Not the best meal, but an incredible burger nonetheless

Day 2: Best restaurant experience?

Carrying on the theme from yesterday, my best restaurant experience of this year (and probably ever) was Spice Market, in New York. It was, in a word, sensational. The restaurant serves what is, essentially, posh Asian street food but every single bite was like a little piece of heaven. I'm not even exaggerating. Even more incredible than the food though was the service. Unobtrusive yet ridiculously efficient. And I can't even describe the decor so I shall simply quote from a review I read.... "The restaurant’s vast space is immediately disorienting yet instantly welcoming, energized and undeniably dazzling... going vertical instead of horizontal, shadowy rather than bright, utilizing no glass, all wood, with nary a right angle or unadorned square inch... The result is a carved and tiered temple to hedonism with great sight lines, bordello lighting, and terrific traffic flow." Basically it's like having dinner inside a giant carved wooden pagoda. Which is always fun.

We ate:

Vietnamese Spring Rolls
Spicy Thai Fried Chicken Wings with Mango and Mint
Crispy Salt and Pepper Skate
Onion and Chili Crusted Short Ribs with Egg Noodles and Pea Shoots
Jasmine Rice

We drank:

The most expensive bottle of red wine of my entire life.

We felt:

Like movie stars. Sad fact: I felt like I was in an episode of Sex and the City. Walking out onto the streets of the Meatpacking District, with the light from neighbouring bars bouncing off the cobbles was an experience I'll never ever forget. An expensive experience (that's what you do for the birthday of someone special though, isn't it?) but worth every single penny.


I've made myself hungry now. Darn it.

2

I started to write an email to you yesterday. I got as far as one word... "Hello"

Then I realised that I didn't know what to say. That I didn't know how to say what I want to say. What I need to say. So I stopped. And I tried to close the email.

"Your message has not been sent. Discard your message?"

So I clicked OK.

As soon as I discarded it I wondered why I'd felt compelled to even try to write it. Why yesterday, of all the days in the last few months? And then I realised...

It would have been our two year anniversary. Two years since that first date. That lunchtime drink that turned into a mid-afternoon Italian meal that turned into gin and tonics that turned into me on the train, drunk on both happiness and Bombay Sapphire, tipsily texting my friend B to tell her all about the boy I'd just met, that turned into me getting home and writing an entry on Livejournal...

"I met a boy.

I kind of like him.

No, I really like him.

Let all hell break loose...."


Silly girl, I had no idea how true those words were!

Does one word even count as a message? Maybe I should have sent it. Maybe one word can say more than a thousand words. Maybe one word can be an olive branch.


Hello.

Dear Diary...

I've started writing a diary.

A paper one.

I've always been full of great intentions whenever I've bought one in the past. I remember to carry it with me for a few days, I enter a few half hearted musings and then... I change my bag du jour and the diary gets forgotten. So I bought a Simple Diary (found via wishwishwish). It's much easier to write in than any other diary I've ever had as there are no blank pages staring back at you, waiting for you to fill them with angst or woe or happiness. Each page is filled with little quotes, prompts and questions to answer. You don't have to work through the book page by page, instead you can dip in and out of it... find a page that matches the kind of day you're having and scrawl away!

I've written a little paragraph inside the front cover. A list of goals if you will.

• Do more things that scare me
• Worry less
• Love myself more

Dear Diary,

Today I started on a journey. It's going to be a long, hard journey. But I'll get there. I've never been more sure of anything.

Love,

Helen xx

Here comes the sun

And just like that....


I've turned the corner.


The tears have dried up. The positivity is back. The feelings of hurt and pain have faded to nothing more than a dull ache. I'm waking up with a smile on my face most mornings. I'm also really enjoying work (I know, loser). I have a hen do, a wedding and a weekend in Edinburgh to look forward to.

The sun is even shining today.


Hello world.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well it worked for him...

It's time for a change.

Well, multiple changes actually. This weekend I took a long hard look at myself and realised that I'm not entirely happy with what I see. Or, at least, I'm not entirely happy with how I see myself. I have a tendency to put myself down, to blame myself for things that aren't my fault and to beat myself up about things that are beyond my control.

Noone likes a misery. Noone wants to read the ramblings of a sad, lonely old cow. Noone wants to be around someone who can't stop moaning. I wrote a post on this back in December and I meant every single word of it. I was confident. I was happy. I was starting to love myself. But somewhere along the line... another break up, words said out of spite, grudges being held.... I lost those feelings. I lost myself.

But I'm starting to find her again. Instead of just talking about making changes, I'm actually doing it. I am changing. I am growing. Little by little I am becoming a better person. A person who won't be treated like a doormat any longer. A person with her own mind. Independent, self-assured and happy in her own skin. She will come back.

And when she does, she'll be stronger than ever before. Stronger than even I know.

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy."

Summer school

Lessons I have learnt....

• Only you can make yourself happy. I think this is the hardest lesson. You can't rely on someone else to make your day ok, to make the world seem brighter and to tell you you're great. You have to be able to do it for yourself. And then, when you can, when someone else does it too, that's just the icing on the cake.
• Sometimes it's ok to let yourself cry. It doesn't mean you're weak or pathetic. If crying is your way of releasing emotions, do it. Cry, sob, lie on the floor and kick your legs in the air if you have to. People deal with things in different ways. Some cry, some get angry, some hold grudges. I cry. I think that's the least destructive of the three.
• Bad things happen. You have to deal with them and move on. In time, bad memories will fade and the good will remain.
• 35000 feet and 9500 miles are just numbers. They won't make things easier. Only I can do that.
• Eating an entire bag of Percy Piglets will make you feel sick.
• Negativity can be turned into positivity more easily than you think. Instead of wishing for a life you don't have and being down about things that are happening, use the dislike and the dissatisfaction that you feel to change things. Use it as fuel to create a happier life.
• People can and do change. But changes can mean nothing if they're not believed in.
• And finally, I have learned that it's never to late to start again and create something wonderful. But it can only work if you really really want it to.

Lessons over. Class dismissed.

Moving on up

"And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live"


Enough, enough now...

Small steps

Via PostSecret

I'm bored of myself.


Completely and utterly bored of myself. A few short months ago I absolutely loved the person I was. I was confident, happy and in control. I'd made such huge changes in myself in such a short space of time and I was so proud of myself. But I've let myself slip back into old habits. I've let myself think that I'm the problem. That I'm the one with the issues. But I'm not. I'm really, really not.

So it stops. Now.

I'm worth so much more than this. So, I'm going to get back on track. I'm going to get back on the weight loss wagon. The exercise wagon. The 'I'm fucking fabulous' wagon. Because I am, you know? I really, really am. And I refuse to let someone else's issues make me feel terrible about myself. Never again will I let someone else project their problems onto me, and make me feel like I'm the one with those problems.


So, some goals:

• To lose a stone before one of my best friend's weddings. It's on 12th September. I will run, eat salads, refuse crisps and drink nothing but water and green tea until I'm 14 pounds of horrible fat lighter.
• To take every opportunity that comes my way. I'm going to accept every invitation I get to go for drinks, dinner, cinema, etc. No more moping in the house for me.
  
• To spend less time on the internet. There's a whole world out there and mooning over old blog posts and photos isn't going to enable me to see it.
• To start painting again. I'm actually quite a talented artist when I put my mind to it and I miss being creative. So paint I shall. I might even do a series of paintings. I shall name them 'Adventures with an Imbecile.'
• To laugh until I cry at least once a day. Even if it's only at my own jokes. Laughter is the best medicine.
  

I will find my way through this. And the best way to do that? By living a full and happy life.

I'm back. I hope.

Kerching

Snagria. Get your snag on.

Today rocks.

Why?

• Percy Piglets in my desk drawer. I may just eat the whole bag. I prefer them to Percy Pigs. They're smaller, less obnoxiously chewy and I can fit more of them in my mouth at once. And we all know that I live for how much I can fit in my mouth at once. Badumtish.


• Tapas for tea! Tis the Mother's 65th birthday today and in honour of her becoming even older and even greyer, we're going to gorge ourselves on Spanish treats. I may gorge myself on a Spanish waiter too, but that depends entirely on how much Sangria I get through. I just typed Snagria. Which sounds less like a wine and fruit concotion and more like something you'd actually catch from a Spanish waiter.


• Sun! The sun has returned from its gloomy hiatus and sprinkled its rays of joy on Warrington. Sun makes everything better. FACT.


• Exciting plans for the weekend are taking shape. And by exciting I clearly mean booze-laden. And by booze-laden I clearly mean drinking until I feel it's appropriate to fall in a gutter. And by fall in a gutter I mean... You get the picture.


• And last but not least.... I've been given a pay rise!! A four grand pay rise to be precise. And yes, I know it's vulgar to talk about money and no, I don't care. Because this is the best work-related thing to ever happen to me and I'm damn well going to shout about it. I work hard for what I get and it's so nice to be rewarded. When a lot of things in my life have turned to crap, it's nice to get some good news and to have something to smile about.

And smiling I am. For the first time in about a month.

I wouldn't count on it to last though.

I resolve, I don't revolve

Mount's Bay Sunrise by Natasha McCrory

So, the results?

Well, it's not great news. But it's also not terrible news. My Dad's got prostate cancer. But it hasn't spread, it's slow growing and its non aggressive. His Consultant thinks he's had it for about ten or eleven years, which absolutely terrifies me to be honest. But he's ok. There is to be no operation. No chemotherapy. Radiotherapy and hormone therapy (to which I shouted 'tranny!') only. So that's good, I guess. Part of me can't quite believe that he can have had it for so long and that it can still be contained in the prostate. But he's had scans and I suppose you have to put your trust in the doctors. Difficult to do so though.

In other news, i've decided to make some resolutions. Not new year's resolutions, obviously, but June resolutions. Because I've been stuck in a bit of a rut recently and things need to change...

I resolve:

• To lose three stone. I've rediscovered my friendship with the gym and I'm going to try and go at least three times a week. I've also been religiously sticking to a new healthy eating regime since Sunday and that's going to continue for the foreseeable future (with a short break for Glastonbury in three weeks time). With hard work, patience and a bit of support I know I can achieve fantastic results. This time it's serious.


• To have more new experiences, visit new places and have more adventures. I want country walks, bike riding and I'd also really like to go up Snowdon in the near future. Plus more camping. Camping rocks my world.


• To drink less alcohol. Me and C have made a two week 'no booze' pact and, to be honest, I'm relishing it. San Pellegrino with a chunk of lime for me please. Less calories, fewer hangovers, less drinker's remorse. Bring it on. This also goes hand in hand with the 'have more adventures' resolution as there should be far fewer mornings spent languishing in bed with a headache.


• To set myself more challenges. Learn a new language, take an art class, sign up for a 5k run. All of the above are things I'd really like to do, plus innumerate others. I want to grow as a person and become the best that I can be. If you're not growing, you're stagnating.


• To let go of the past, live in the here and now and be more excited for the future. Because I see great things on the horizon.
  

I think that'll do for now.

If you had to make some resolutions right now, what would they be?

Three little words

Photo by sonicwalker

They say that bad things come in threes...


Well, this weekend I've had one good thing (in fact, no, one great thing) and two bad things.

1) My Dad's MRI scan results have been lost. Marvellous. We can't even blame the NHS either as he went private. So another 40 minute scan and a couple more weeks of worry await.

2) My Mum broke her wrist this morning. I was woken up by her shouting me so I tumbled out of bed, hair like a wild banshee, creases still on my face, ran down the stairs and there she was, lying on the floor, obviously in a lot of pain. Me, being the supportive caring daughter that I am, what did I do? I fainted. I'm a squeamish old bag and the mere fact that she'd hurt herself so badly was enough to make keel over.

So all in all a bit of a health fail really.



Oh, and the one great thing? Well, I'm keeping that all to myself for the moment...

Chancer

The Heart Nebula

New beginnings and second chances. Best things ever?

I've become convinced recently that the human heart's capacity for forgiveness is huge. Although the ability to forget may take a little longer, it's forgiveness that's the most important thing. Once forgiveness comes you have the chance to move the forgetting part along a little bit faster. I've done many things in my life that I'm not particularly proud of and, sadly, I'm sure I'll do many more in the future. It's human nature. But what I am certain of now is that I won't make the same mistakes again.

I spent a long time - years actually - repeating mistake after mistake after mistake. Relationship mistakes, drunken mistakes, money mistakes, education mistakes. I couldn't see it at the time of course. I couldn't see that my behaviour had become self-perpetuating. I couldn't see that I'd become a victim. I was always ready to blame someone else for the way I was, particularly a boy who broke my heart when I was only 20. I think I used him as an excuse so that I wouldn't have to face up to the fact that the problem was me. Sure, he was the one who broke my trust. He was the one who made me scared of ever finding happiness again, in case it got snatched away once more. But it was me who allowed him to have a hold over me. It was me who allowed him to affect every single subsequent relationship that I've been in. It was me who allowed myself to be treated the way I've been treated.

Well not anymore.

I am no longer a victim. Over the past few months I've become someone that I actually like. Someone who deserves respect and who won't settle for anything less. And I'm actually pretty proud of that. Ironically, it took losing the one person thing I thought I couldn't live without to force me to make the changes. But change I have. And, although I still have my off days, the girl I used to be is gone for good.


And you know what? I don't miss her at all.

Ever onwards...

Affairs of the heart are confusing, to say the very least...


In the last month I've experienced some incredible highs but also some big lows. Just as I expected it to be. I never wanted perfection. Perfection, to my mind, just simply doesn't exist. It's a dream. An ideal. Something to be strived for but never actually attained. Perfection gives us something to reach for, safe in the knowledge that we'll never actually get it. Because if we did, then what's the point in going on? If something is perfect then it's as good as it's ever going to get. There is no room for progression. No room for change. No room for more.

This last month has not been easy. Not by any means. But I see progress. I see trust growing. I see happiness. I see the past being left where it belongs... in the past. I see so much good. So much potential.

Yes, there are doubts. But doubts are natural. Doubts mean that the same mistakes won't be made again. Doubts mean that we can learn from what happened before. Doubts mean, more than anything, that we can talk, discuss and, most importantly, listen. Doubts mean that honesty will flourish. As the doubts get laid to rest, gradually, slowly, trust will blossom in their place.

Things are so different this time. Me. Him. Us. There are still gimpses of how life used to be. But, in a way, I think we need those glimmers of past errors to keep us striving for better things. To show us what we don't want and, even more, what we do. I've made a few mistakes. Slipped back into old habits. But it was a temporary blip. I meant what I said right at the start... I'm not going to let us down again. So every time he gets worried I'm just going to keep on reassuring him. Keep on reiterating my promises. Things are going to be just fine this time. I don't know how I know, but I do.




I am ever hopeful. As always.




“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” — Frederick Douglass