Tuesday 3 February 2009

Ever onwards...

Affairs of the heart are confusing, to say the very least...

In the last month I've experienced some incredible highs but also some big lows. Just as I expected it to be. I never wanted perfection. Perfection, to my mind, just simply doesn't exist. It's a dream. An ideal. Something to be strived for but never actually attained. Perfection gives us something to reach for, safe in the knowledge that we'll never actually get it. Because if we did, then what's the point in going on? If something is perfect then it's as good as it's ever going to get. There is no room for progression. No room for change. No room for more.

This last month has not been easy. Not by any means. But I see progress. I see trust growing. I see happiness. I see the past being left where it belongs... in the past. I see so much good. So much potential.

Yes, there are doubts. But doubts are natural. Doubts mean that the same mistakes won't be made again. Doubts mean that we can learn from what happened before. Doubts mean, more than anything, that we can talk, discuss and, most importantly, listen. Doubts mean that honesty will flourish. As the doubts get laid to rest, gradually, slowly, trust will blossom in their place.

Things are so different this time. Me. Him. Us. There are still gimpses of how life used to be. But, in a way, I think we need those glimmers of past errors to keep us striving for better things. To show us what we don't want and, even more, what we do. I've made a few mistakes. Slipped back into old habits. But it was a temporary blip. I meant what I said right at the start... I'm not going to let us down again. So every time he gets worried I'm just going to keep on reassuring him. Keep on reiterating my promises. Things are going to be just fine this time. I don't know how I know, but I do.

I am ever hopeful. As always.

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” — Frederick Douglass