Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Square One

Right. It's time to 'fess up.

If you're a long time reader of CYH you may have realised that I've really not been myself this year. It's fairly easy to tell when I'm not feeling great. I stop posting pictures of myself. I stop posting altogether. I hide away. So, yes. I've not been feeling great. It's not something I want to discuss in any detail, suffice to say I don't really know what's happened to me this year. I seem to have lost myself. After C I promised myself that I would never let my happiness be defined by someone else.

And it worked. I got thin (ish) and happy. Happier than I'd ever been. That picture up there? Lady decadence? That's a Markus Lupfer dress and I bought it because ohthedecadence is my Twitter name. The phrase came about years ago, during a very drunken evening with friends. The word decadence entered our vernacular and we used it to excess. I became known as Decadent Helen. To me it meant happy, exuberant, joyous in the extreme. But I never really felt like that... not until last year.

Then I met a boy at the start of this year. And I kinda liked him. And, inevitably, it went tits up. There were subtle hints about it, if you knew what to look for. Here and here, for example. And definitely here, which was a direct quote from a conversation between me and S. Anyway, my confidence ended up getting crushed in a fairly horrific way and, for some reason, I just never really recovered from it. It brought up old issues from the past and they grew bigger than I could cope with, resulting in some not-so-great happenings.

I'm fairly ashamed to admit it, to be honest. I'm fairly ashamed to admit that I started to hate the way I looked. That I started to avoid looking in the mirror and certainly avoid taking photographs of myself. Towards the end of last year I actually loved the way I looked. Call me vain if you like but I did. I even felt... sexy. Which had never happened before. I felt confident and attractive and so happy. So I'm more than fairly ashamed that I let that get ruined and that I've let it affect me so badly. My state of mind has been pretty bad for the majority of this year and I'm not proud of that. Not at all. Self doubt is a terrible thing and, for me, when it creeps in it affects everything, resulting in some fairly erratic behaviour.

I just wanted to put this out there, really. To show that there is a very real reason why I've not been around so much and why the content of the blog has been disjointed at best. I rejoined Slimming World last night, in an effort to lose the monumental amount of weight that I've gained back due to the Extreme Sadness Anti-Diet (tm). I'm not sure if I've ever really posted on here about my issues with food. About the demons that have haunted me for the best part of 15 years. I don't think I have and I don't intend to now but, if you are interested, the whole warts 'n' all story can be found on my other blog. It doesn't make for pleasant reading, just to warn you.

I am on my way back, it just might take me a little while to get there. Until then, have some photographs of a girl who was learning to love the body she had...


P said...

As you know from our twitter DMs I've been in a very similar situation to you re: that guy, so I know how you feel.

I HATE being dependent on another person for my happiness, I always have, and it kills me that EVERY time i get into a relationship that happens when it ends.

Good luck with losing the weight again though - you'll do it, I have no doubt. Just look back at how far you've come, how much you lost already.

And you'll be happy. We both will. Pinky swear.xx

Amy said...

I went onto your other blog to see if you'd posted anything new on there since the last one I'd read, and immediately saw that photo of you before you started dieting.

You have come so far, and you are amazing. The whole situation with the boy and all the sadness that's happened because of that is awful and my heart has broken for you many times, but look at you. You're back and you're fighting. That, more than anything else, is what makes you inspiring.

You are brilliant, Helen, in so many ways. You will be happy again. You'll feel sexy again — not even because of weight loss, just because you'll be happy again. And you'll feel fabulous and decadent again, I promise.

Hug xx

olivia grace said...

Good luck with feeling yourself again. I've been following your blog for a little while and you deserve to be happy, becasue you're beautiful and seem like a really lovely person xxx

Sarah Rooftops said...

I know me saying I think you're gorgeous isn't going to convince you, but I do. All the best with tackling those demons; I don't know if you believe it right now but I bet you anything you're stronger than they are. x

alliejayne said...

I'm totally feeling this post. I've been feeling some of the same things as you and it's not fun. The good thing is, is that you're not sitting around not doing anything, you're getting out there and changing things for yourself.
I find this so admirable.
Good luck with getting things back on track. You'll do it! :)


em said...

Good luck with the shake up.
That feeling of not liking what you see sucks doesn't it.
you have lost so much already that you'll defo do it again - it might just be hard to get back in the swing of it.
If you want some support - i want to lose weight - going for a stone by end of jan! not sure its possible, but i can try!

Cat said...

I've been following your blog for about a year now, and following you on Twitter since I joined it this summer. (Which makes me sound like a stalker, but I'm not, honest.) I did pick up that all wasn't well, and am really sorry to hear that a rubbish boy's been at the root of it all. I don't think there's a woman reading this who won't empathise with how you feel - I certainly can!

You're beautiful, and funny, and smart, and you deserve someone lovely. Good luck with getting back in the saddle with the healthy living stuff - you look amazing in all those photos, and I'm sure you'll find your mojo again soon, regardless of how much you weigh.

Smidge said...

I am really glad you wrote this post. It is incredibly hard to admit that you are right back at square one in anything and i'm proud of you hon.

However, I do not think you are right at the bottom, you have come so far since C and I honestly think this is a blip, you will find that you are tougher and more resilient that you think you are. xxx

Jennifurrrrr said...

I can only echo what everyone else has said so far. You my dear - are one of the most fabulous and inspirational people I know and you will continue to be.
You have come a hell of a long way since C and you know you can get over all this too.
A new start is just what you need and I really really hope you can get back to being how confident you were a short while ago.

Loves to you ladycake x

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Look 'ere, hot stuff.

You might have weight issues in your head, but when I look at those photos I see someone who has the balls to wear things that I, in my non-weightlossy world - would never have the confidence to. What I'm saying is it's all relative. Amy's right - you will feel amazing again and it won't just be because of the weight loss. It'll be because you're just alright again.

I know exactly how much heartbreak can tear you up for months on end, and how it catches you unawares when you least expect it. Before you know it you're back to square one.

It's good that you've "confessed" somewhat to not feeling ok. Sometimes that's the difficult bit because people expect you to be fine after a few months, and you feel silly saying otherwise.

It won't take you much to get back on track. By saying "HI EVERYONE, I'M A BIT SAD AND THIS HAPPENED" you're already half way there.x

dannithegirl said...

I hope you feel happier soon. You're one of my fave bloggers cos you're really honest and open. Plus your weight loss is so inspirational even if it isn't going perfectly at the moment xx

Samantha said...

My best friend M told me that I was pretty and that he loved me and then he got on a plane and left the country with a girl he'd known for 1 month.
That crushed me.
We didn't take for a year and then he got back in contact and did it all over again over a two month span. I have now learnt my lesson.

I'm sorry you've had to go through something emotionally crippling like that, but know that we've all been there.
I hope you find the good things in life again, because there are so many and we lose them so quickly when we undergo emotional hardship.

Samantha x

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