Wednesday 6 May 2009


The Heart Nebula

New beginnings and second chances. Best things ever?

I've become convinced recently that the human heart's capacity for forgiveness is huge. Although the ability to forget may take a little longer, it's forgiveness that's the most important thing. Once forgiveness comes you have the chance to move the forgetting part along a little bit faster. I've done many things in my life that I'm not particularly proud of and, sadly, I'm sure I'll do many more in the future. It's human nature. But what I am certain of now is that I won't make the same mistakes again.

I spent a long time - years actually - repeating mistake after mistake after mistake. Relationship mistakes, drunken mistakes, money mistakes, education mistakes. I couldn't see it at the time of course. I couldn't see that my behaviour had become self-perpetuating. I couldn't see that I'd become a victim. I was always ready to blame someone else for the way I was, particularly a boy who broke my heart when I was only 20. I think I used him as an excuse so that I wouldn't have to face up to the fact that the problem was me. Sure, he was the one who broke my trust. He was the one who made me scared of ever finding happiness again, in case it got snatched away once more. But it was me who allowed him to have a hold over me. It was me who allowed him to affect every single subsequent relationship that I've been in. It was me who allowed myself to be treated the way I've been treated.

Well not anymore.

I am no longer a victim. Over the past few months I've become someone that I actually like. Someone who deserves respect and who won't settle for anything less. And I'm actually pretty proud of that. Ironically, it took losing the one person thing I thought I couldn't live without to force me to make the changes. But change I have. And, although I still have my off days, the girl I used to be is gone for good.

And you know what? I don't miss her at all.