Tuesday 29 September 2009

A personal revelation

 Just call me Violet

Dudes, I have something to tell you. Something that isn't easy for me to admit. Something that I've known for years but that I've been in denial about. This may get a bit heavy so feel free to skip it. Here goes...

I am fat.

And before anyone does the dutiful friend thing of saying 'no you're not!', 'you look great!', etc etc, please don't bother. Because I know that I am. It's taken about ten years to admit it but there you go. I am fat. A porker. A whale. A heifer. And any other insulting animal-related term that you can think of. However, just for the record, please don't think that I'm upset by this 'revelation' or that I'm seeking sympathy in any way. On the contrary, I actually feel quite liberated by it. For years I've convinced myself that it's just an unflattering camera angle, that the mirror is lying, even that I'm happy with what I see when I look at myself.

None of the above are true.

It's not an unflattering camera angle, it's not 'one of those' mirrors, and I'm not happy with what I see. It's only by finally admitting that to myself and to you, dear internets, that I can actually start to change it. For good. If you convince yourself that you love how you look, then you can't ever really find the willpower to change it. Sure, I've made halfhearted efforts before. Hell, I've even made wholehearted efforts. But those efforts only ever lasted for a few days at worst or a few months at best. I've been to the gym three or four times a week for a respectable amount of time. But then negated my efforts with a bag of crisps here, a pizza there. That does not a lifestyle change make.

So now I'm standing here with a completely new outlook on things. A fat person's outlook. And it feels strange and confusing and, if I'm honest, a little bit frightening. Yes, I know being fat isn't the end of the world. But being fat can become your world. I have had serious problems with food in recent years. Only one person knows to what extent and it's not something I'm going to go into detail about. Suffice to say, me and food have got beef (arf). But I've taken the first step. I now want to be thinner more than I want the glorious tastes and textures of all that wonderfully disgusting junk food. I want to be healthy and fit and able to fit into all the clothes I want to fit into. I want to feel attractive and desirable and all of those things that I've never felt before, but heard so much about.

Some people are happy being fat. Some people look good fat. I do not fit into either category. I've been called names and had abuse shouted at me in the street. Some people could laugh that off, but not me. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy with my own appearance that I don't care what anyone thinks. But I will be.

To one person in particular, I have this to say... your words hurt me at the time. I wasn't ready to hear them. I wasn't ready to accept them nor was I ready to take steps to change. But thankyou. Thankyou for making me challenge myself. Thankyou for making me face my problems, my insecurities and my weaknesses. Thankyou for making me see that I don't want to be fat.

I'm ready now.