Friday 18 September 2009

My side?

No sprinkles here... move along please

Apologies if this turns into a bit of a rant.

I know it's Friday and I should be posting an entry filled with joy and weekend excitement, iced with an exorbitant amount of positivity, a sprinkling of 'look how great my life is' and topped off with a cherry of jubilance.

But I'm not going to. So nerr.

Quite simply, I'm bored of being the bad guy. I'm bored of being badmouthed. I'm bored of there only being one side of the story. I'm bored of there being a story at all. I choose to keep fairly silent about everything that happened. Yes I may have talked at great length about how it made me feel. But I've never resorted to name calling, I haven't divulged the minutiae of what happened, I haven't told only my side of the story. Because there are always two sides to everything. And I tend to find that the most vocal of the two is generally exaggerated as justification for what happened. If you shout the loudest then you must be right, apparently. All I want is for the past to be in the past. For the recriminations and anger to subside.

I spent 18 months of my life not being 'good enough.' It wore me down, frankly. Wore me down until I was so unhappy with myself that I could no longer see the good in me. And then I was berated for not liking myself enough, for having low self-esteem. And if I didn't like myself then how could I ever be 'good enough?' You can't love someone who doesn't love themselves.

I was weak. I was stupid. I allowed myself to be walked all over. The lies, the hurtful behaviour, the cruel comments. I should have walked away at the first sign. But I didn't. Because I always believed. In love. In me. In him. In us. I put up with more than anyone ever should. I wasn't perfect. Far far from it. My behaviour was scandalous at times. But when you've lost all confidence in yourself and you're terrified of losing the only person you think you can cling on to, despite the fact they're destroying you, you behave in ways that you never would normally.

Never again.

I'm so much stronger now. I do things for myself. Because I want to do them. I laugh. I cry. I feel. I allow myself to be me. And I won't let anyone tell me that I'm not good enough ever again.

If you're having to spend time trying to be good enough for someone, then maybe they're simply not good enough for you?