Let them eat cake

"Cake or death?"

"Eh, cake please"

"Very well! Give him cake!"

"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice"

My soul for a cupcake!

The Best of 2009: Day 31

Day 31: Resolution you wish you'd stuck with?

I don't really remember my New Year's resolutions but I'm guessing that one of them was to lose weight. Which is something I haven't really achieved this year, for one reason or another. I have a difficult relationship with food, to say the least, and it's something I intend to work on more fully in 2010. I haven't ever really blogged about it in any great detail, and there's only person in the world who knows the full extent of the problem (and it took me a long time to tell him, despite our closeness). Maybe one day I'll write a post about it, maybe one day I won't feel ashamed to discuss it. But for now, I am too embarrassed so all I will say is this... next year I hope to have a healthier relationship with food.


So that's that, my final 'The Best of 2009' post. I've written on all but two prompts (fyi, best blog and best advert - i don't watch adverts) and it's actually been very interesting to look back over my year and find the best bits. A few prompts have brought tears to my eyes, as a lot of feelings and memories are still quite raw and fresh. Some prompts have made me laugh and revisit some superbly happy times. Some prompts have actually been really difficult to write about. But I've done it, and I'm glad I have. All my posts for this little project can be found here, if you have time on your hands and are so inclined.

2009 hasn't been the easiest of years, for a lot of people. I was going to do a 'review of the year' post but, to be honest, I think I'd rather not. This blog has documented most things in minute detail (sorry about that) and I'm not sure I need to, or want to, revisit certain things just yet. I'd like to remember this year as the year I found out a lot about myself and made huge changes to better what I found, the year that brought me a lot of pain but also a lot of joy and the year that shook me to my very core and forced me to take a long hard look at myself, in every way imaginable. I've emerged relatively unscathed and a lot richer emotionally, as a result of everything that's happened.


2009, I can't say I'm sorry to see you go, but thankyou for everything you've taught me.

A personal revelation

 Just call me Violet

Dudes, I have something to tell you. Something that isn't easy for me to admit. Something that I've known for years but that I've been in denial about. This may get a bit heavy so feel free to skip it. Here goes...


I am fat.


And before anyone does the dutiful friend thing of saying 'no you're not!', 'you look great!', etc etc, please don't bother. Because I know that I am. It's taken about ten years to admit it but there you go. I am fat. A porker. A whale. A heifer. And any other insulting animal-related term that you can think of. However, just for the record, please don't think that I'm upset by this 'revelation' or that I'm seeking sympathy in any way. On the contrary, I actually feel quite liberated by it. For years I've convinced myself that it's just an unflattering camera angle, that the mirror is lying, even that I'm happy with what I see when I look at myself.

None of the above are true.

It's not an unflattering camera angle, it's not 'one of those' mirrors, and I'm not happy with what I see. It's only by finally admitting that to myself and to you, dear internets, that I can actually start to change it. For good. If you convince yourself that you love how you look, then you can't ever really find the willpower to change it. Sure, I've made halfhearted efforts before. Hell, I've even made wholehearted efforts. But those efforts only ever lasted for a few days at worst or a few months at best. I've been to the gym three or four times a week for a respectable amount of time. But then negated my efforts with a bag of crisps here, a pizza there. That does not a lifestyle change make.

So now I'm standing here with a completely new outlook on things. A fat person's outlook. And it feels strange and confusing and, if I'm honest, a little bit frightening. Yes, I know being fat isn't the end of the world. But being fat can become your world. I have had serious problems with food in recent years. Only one person knows to what extent and it's not something I'm going to go into detail about. Suffice to say, me and food have got beef (arf). But I've taken the first step. I now want to be thinner more than I want the glorious tastes and textures of all that wonderfully disgusting junk food. I want to be healthy and fit and able to fit into all the clothes I want to fit into. I want to feel attractive and desirable and all of those things that I've never felt before, but heard so much about.

Some people are happy being fat. Some people look good fat. I do not fit into either category. I've been called names and had abuse shouted at me in the street. Some people could laugh that off, but not me. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy with my own appearance that I don't care what anyone thinks. But I will be.

To one person in particular, I have this to say... your words hurt me at the time. I wasn't ready to hear them. I wasn't ready to accept them nor was I ready to take steps to change. But thankyou. Thankyou for making me challenge myself. Thankyou for making me face my problems, my insecurities and my weaknesses. Thankyou for making me see that I don't want to be fat.


I'm ready now.