Wednesday 1 July 2009

Pity the fool

I've started and re-started this entry about ten times today. I can't seem to find the words to say what I want to say. What I need to say. I feel hurt and betrayed, humiliated and let down.

But more than anything?

I feel like a fool.

A fool for believing that those beautiful words of a few weeks ago were true. For believing that anybody could feel that way about me. For believing that all my dreams and more had come true, just like that. I finally felt like all the pain had been worthwhile, all the battles, all the love and patience and time that I'd given. All the reassurances I'd provided. All the times I'd dropped everything and been his rock, his shoulder to cry on, an ear for his troubles and worries. I felt like I was finally getting something back. Something that I'd yearned for for so long.

It was one of the best days of my life. Filled with love and laughter and deep, deep affection. A certainty that everything was going to be ok, at last. Promises of change, of a future, of happiness, of love. A touch of my face, an adoring smile, the three words that every girl wants to hear. It was beautiful and romantic and emotional.

And now? Nothing. A broken heart. A shattered dream of a future that will never be. An emptiness inside that won't be filled.

I didn't expect the world. I didn't expect miracles to happen and for everything to instantly be ok. I just wanted things to stay as they were. Easy and uncomplicated and secure.

Why did three little words have to change things so drastically?

I don't know what to do or what to say anymore.

I am a parody of my former self.