Sunday 12 July 2009

How did I get here?

From the beginning...

I've just been for lunch at a friend's house and she gave me a right talking to. I am so lucky to have so many beautiful, strong, empowered women in my life. They keep me on track. They keep me strong. They make me see that it wasn't my fault this time. That I did my best. That I tried. That all I was guilty of was loving someone too much. Someone who couldn't let himself be loved.

They make me see that I couldn't have done any more. That I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

They make me see that I've tried to be the bigger person. That I've tried to leave things on a good note. That I've tried to gain some sort of closure. That I've asked for an explanation. That I was willing to still be there as a friend, despite everything. Despite the hurt and the lies and the declarations that were swiftly taken back through cowardice and panic.

So although the tears may still fall, they're not tears because I want to reignite things. They're tears for what could have been. Tears of disappointment. Tears for broken promises and a future that seemed so clear. Tears of confusion. But you know what? I'll never regret it. I'll never regret New York or Greece or the festivals we went to. I'll never regret the endless days spent laughing. The nights out, the meals, the bottles of wine. The love.

But when someone can't even ask if you're ok despite knowing that your Dad's got cancer. Despite knowing that you feel as though your world's crumbling around you. If they can't even be a friend in your darkest hour, then those people don't deserve you.

And they probably never did.

... to The End.

“Things usually work out in the end.”
“What if they don’t?”
“That just means you haven’t come to the end yet.”

– The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls