Monday 3 November 2008

Another year older, another year wiser?

Em and Chris - My birthday, 2007

I find it relatively easy to be positive during the daylight hours. My dogs are always buzzing around, making me laugh. My parents are there. There always seems to be something to do. The evening is a different story. It's the time when I feel the most lonely and when all I want to do is hear his voice. Because it's the friendship I miss the most. I'd never had a boyfriend who was also my best friend before. Even very early in the relationship we started to finish each others' sentences. We used to say exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and then he'd laugh and pretend it freaked him out. It's strange to say it, but he truly was the other half of me. The male Helen. I felt more comfortable with him than I ever have with any other man. Like I could tell him anything and he'd still be there. We had so much in common it was just bizarre. But I loved it.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

As I sit here and await the start of another year in my life it's him I think of. I wonder whether he thinks of me too. Whether he even wonders if I'm ok. I think back to how I felt a year ago, when the photo above was taken. I'd just met him and I was so happy. So excited for what might lie ahead. So excited that I'd finally found my soulmate. Even if we didn't end up having a lasting relationship, I was just excited to know him. To have in my life.

The truth is.... I miss my best friend.

I'd give anything to take it all back... to wipe the slate clean. He was the highlight of my day, every day and I miss the laughter. The incessant laughter that never seemed to stop. The silly injokes that never failed to make me chuckle. The fact we could be completely ridiculous in front of each other and not give a damn. Some of the best times we ever had together were just the two of us, sitting in bed, watching non stop tv and films (but really talking over the top of them the whole time). We didn't need anything or anybody to entertain us. Just each other.

Here's to the next 365 days, whatever they may bring...