Love the fool

Central Park, NYC

"I must learn to love the fool in me... the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."

-- Theodore I. Rubin, MD

Completed

Piggy togetherness

Are you satisfied with your lot?


Your friends? Your partner? Your life in general?


Because I can honestly say that I am. And I'm starting to wonder if that's strange or if I'm totally alone in feeling this way. It's not to say that I don't want more for myself, that I don't have ambition, that I don't want to achieve more, see more places, experience new things. Because I really do. But the bare bones are all there. My support network is there. I truly feel like the people in my life are the best people in the whole world. I may not have a huge group of friends but I don't mind. I'd rather have three or four people in my life who I can rely on than twenty that I can't. I feel the people in my life help to make me who I am and that I want to grow along with them, to continually strive to be the best that we can be.

For the last 18 months I've felt completed. I feel like if this is as good as it gets then I'm happy with that. I don't have a perfect vision of how life should be, or of who should be in it. I wake up every day and I'm truly thankful for the people I love and who love me. I don't want any of them to be anybody else, or to be any different to how they already are.

I love the people in my life, despite flaws, despite occasional idiocy, despite bad behaviour, cutting words, hurtful comments. Because flaws are what makes us, us. Flaws are the little imperfections that make us unique, that make us strive for better. The relationships you see in Hollywood films aren't real. The perfect women, the chiselled jaw possessing men, the relationships where there are no arguments, no doubts, no issues to contend with. They don't exist.


Real life is about compromise and about realising that what you have, whilst it might not look how you thought it was going to look, is pretty darn fantastic.

(T)issues

Blue Saturn

Today I am mostly feeling blue.


I've got a number of things going on in this silly little head of mine and none of them are really suitable for internet publication. I've got an overwhelming feeling that I'm letting everyone down at the moment and I really need to shake it.

Still, in brighter news, the weight loss and no alcohol regime is going very well. I'm now the lightest I've been for about 18 months and I'm really feeling the benefits. I'm more alert, sleeping less and I've got so much more energy. Losing weight is marvellous.


Normal service to be resumed shortly....

I resolve, I don't revolve

Mount's Bay Sunrise by Natasha McCrory

So, the results?

Well, it's not great news. But it's also not terrible news. My Dad's got prostate cancer. But it hasn't spread, it's slow growing and its non aggressive. His Consultant thinks he's had it for about ten or eleven years, which absolutely terrifies me to be honest. But he's ok. There is to be no operation. No chemotherapy. Radiotherapy and hormone therapy (to which I shouted 'tranny!') only. So that's good, I guess. Part of me can't quite believe that he can have had it for so long and that it can still be contained in the prostate. But he's had scans and I suppose you have to put your trust in the doctors. Difficult to do so though.

In other news, i've decided to make some resolutions. Not new year's resolutions, obviously, but June resolutions. Because I've been stuck in a bit of a rut recently and things need to change...

I resolve:

• To lose three stone. I've rediscovered my friendship with the gym and I'm going to try and go at least three times a week. I've also been religiously sticking to a new healthy eating regime since Sunday and that's going to continue for the foreseeable future (with a short break for Glastonbury in three weeks time). With hard work, patience and a bit of support I know I can achieve fantastic results. This time it's serious.


• To have more new experiences, visit new places and have more adventures. I want country walks, bike riding and I'd also really like to go up Snowdon in the near future. Plus more camping. Camping rocks my world.


• To drink less alcohol. Me and C have made a two week 'no booze' pact and, to be honest, I'm relishing it. San Pellegrino with a chunk of lime for me please. Less calories, fewer hangovers, less drinker's remorse. Bring it on. This also goes hand in hand with the 'have more adventures' resolution as there should be far fewer mornings spent languishing in bed with a headache.


• To set myself more challenges. Learn a new language, take an art class, sign up for a 5k run. All of the above are things I'd really like to do, plus innumerate others. I want to grow as a person and become the best that I can be. If you're not growing, you're stagnating.


• To let go of the past, live in the here and now and be more excited for the future. Because I see great things on the horizon.
  

I think that'll do for now.

If you had to make some resolutions right now, what would they be?

Three little words

Photo by sonicwalker

They say that bad things come in threes...


Well, this weekend I've had one good thing (in fact, no, one great thing) and two bad things.

1) My Dad's MRI scan results have been lost. Marvellous. We can't even blame the NHS either as he went private. So another 40 minute scan and a couple more weeks of worry await.

2) My Mum broke her wrist this morning. I was woken up by her shouting me so I tumbled out of bed, hair like a wild banshee, creases still on my face, ran down the stairs and there she was, lying on the floor, obviously in a lot of pain. Me, being the supportive caring daughter that I am, what did I do? I fainted. I'm a squeamish old bag and the mere fact that she'd hurt herself so badly was enough to make keel over.

So all in all a bit of a health fail really.



Oh, and the one great thing? Well, I'm keeping that all to myself for the moment...