Thursday, 8 September 2011

Square Two?

Firstly, I just wanted to say thankyou for the lovely comments on yesterday's post. They have made me smile and cry in equal measure. You're all too kind. Truly.

Secondly, I feel I should clarify yesterday's post. I think it may have given the wrong impression, but I wanted to write it because I knew I hadn't been around much.

I know that I'm not as big as I used to be. Honestly I do. I know that the amount of weight I lost was a huge achievement and that I should be proud of myself. I also know that my weight shouldn't be the be all and end all of my happiness. And it isn't. Most of the time. Honestly, I thought I'd got to the point, back in January, when my weight was no longer an issue. For me or anyone else. I no longer felt like people saw me as "the fat girl." But I was wrong.

Wider issues that had lain dormant for a long while were triggered. And so on. And so on. Until a couple of weeks ago, when everything kind of imploded in on itself. Myself. When I'm feeling rubbish, my weight is the first thing to be affected. Because I eat rubbish. I wallow and I stop taking care of myself. I stop, shock horror, being hopelessly vain. I jest. I think.

As an example, I haven't enjoyed picking out clothes to wear for about five months. It's been a chore. I felt frumpy and fat in whatever I did choose, so I just stopped making the effort. I started wearing my glasses more. I started scraping my hair back into a ponytail. I started wearing whatever clothes made me feel least fat, whether they looked good or not.

For me, my weight and eating habits are an indication of my happiness. My increasing waistline has been a symptom of my decreasing joy and bombastic Helenism.

But there is light. This morning I woke up, put on a ridiculous pair of tights, donned a playsuit and heels and skipped off to work with a smile on my face. The playsuit is too short. It's too low cut for work. But for the first time in months, I feel like myself.

I've said that before, in hopes of forcing myself to feel like, well, myself. But this time I really do.


Laura said...

until you wrote these last two posts, i didn't even realise that i've been feeling the exact same way for a while now.

i struggle with my weight massively, and am currently in the throes of an epic battle with bulimia, but i think it all basically (for me personally) comes down to vanity - if i look good, i feel better. i just need to get out of the cycle of sitting around in glasses and pyjamas all day.

honest to god, you have just turned my entire day upside down. i could quite literally kiss you.

Jennifurrrrr said...

Playsuits make everything better!

Nice to see you pulling it back sweetheart! ♥

J x

Magatha-May said...

well done on being pro active about your happiness today !!!

alliejayne said...

This post made me smile. It's nice to hear of someone getting up in the morning with a smile on their face after going through a hard time :)
Glad you're feeling better sweet.


Leigh said...

I have tights envy! They are lovely. I have a purple zebra print pair that I put on when I'm trying to bring back *me*. I can identify with so much of what you've written in this post. When I'm feeling low I just want to disappear so I let myself gain weight, the way I dress changes and I even wear flats more - as a shorty this is unheard of when I'm myself.

I'm glad you're getting back to yourself. Fancy tights and playsuits make everything better!

As an aside, your 10 Commandments post is exactly what I needed to see today.

Oh and hello by the way, I think I have commented once before but a while back and then here I come and just waffle at you!

Dellers said...

You are fabulous, thin, fat, small, tall and I hope that you can see that sometime soon! As I said on twitter, you're still a whippet to me! Fair play for getting back on the band wagon. You will fly it xx

Sarah said...

Oh, Helen. I've just read this post and your last one together and it really makes me sad that you've felt this awful. But well done for talking about it. I've gone through those miserable periods and shied away from talking about it on my blog, but we all have them. I think it's better to talk about it. I love that you've started to push yourself to feel more like you, and I really hope it works. We love our Helen and all her Helenishness.

By the way, I don't think I've ever said it before, but you write absolutely beautifully. I always love your posts, and not just for the pretty pictures. xx

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...





dannithegirl said...

I love a good playsuit, it always cheers me up! Where oh where are your tights from??! x

Helen said...

Laura - Aww, I don't know what to say! For me, making the effort is half the battle. I hope you're feeling happier xx

Jenn - Thanks sweetheart x

Magatha - I'm trying! :) x

alliejayne - Thankyou. It's baby steps but I'm getting there x

Leigh - Ditto. If I'm wearing flats I'm down! Waffle away :) x

Edel - Thankyou lovely xx

Sarah - Thankyou so much. You're a doll x


Danni - River Island! x