So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!

1) Was 2010 a good year for you?
It was wonderful, in virtually every way. I'm sure it had its low points but, looking back, all I see is happiness and good, positive changes. My Dad's cancer is under control and he's getting back to the man he was before the illness. I own my own house and, although there's a long way to go, it's starting to take shape. I'm no longer unhappy with the way I look and I can now wear leather shorts without fear of being harpooned.

2) What were your favourite moments of the year?
Having dinner at Butter in NYC and three women sending over champagne to our table. My Dad being able to help me decorate my house. The whole holiday to Barcelona. And, although it was right at the end, New Year's Eve!

3) What was your least favourite moment of the year?
Being let down by someone I considered a close friend. However, onwards and upwards!

4) Where were you when 2010 began?
In the gay village. Obviously.

5) Who were you with?
Friends and an assortment of decadent gays.

6) Where will you be when 2010 ends?
I was in a little cafe bar. We won the Quiz of the Year and our prize was 6 litres of scrumpy. Oh yeah. One of the best New Year's Eves ever.

7) Who will you be with when 2010 ends?
I was with some of my favourite people in the world.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2010?
They were "Just to continue on my road of self discovery (I'm aware that makes me sound like a tosser) and lose weight. Slimming World here I come." Both achieved. A+, good work. Ooh, also my 'plans for 2010' were "To travel a bit, work a bit, live a bit, love a bit, laugh a bit and buy my own house." DONE AND DONE.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2011?
I want to hit my target at Slimming World (which is slightly further away post Christmas), get fitter (I'm running the Great Manchester Run in May), blog more and be better with money.

10) Did you fall in love in 2010?
I fell in love with my life.

11) If yes, with who?
See above. There may not be a special someone in my life right now but I'm happier than I've ever been.

12) If yes, do they know?
N/A

13) Are you still in love with them?
Currently I am more in love with my life than ever. I'm sitting in my own house, drinking espresso, eating satsumas and catching up on Christmas television. Love.

14) You regret it?
I never regret love, even when it gets me in trouble.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2010?
Nope. I had a few dates here and there, but they didn't really go anywhere. I just wasn't interested.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2010?
Yes! I met a lot of incredible people that I know through this blog or Twitter and had some wonderful times with them. Plus new people at work and a few others that appeared along the way.

17) Who are your favourite new friends?
Ah, I don't pick favourites. My London lovelies and my Scottish sweethearts know who they are.

18) What was your favourite month of 2010?
June I think. Glastonbury, hot hot sun and lots of fun times. December was also pretty special though as that's when I moved into the palace.

19) Did you travel outside of your country of residence in 2010?
New York! Barcelona! Paris (on the way to New York!) and Edinburgh!

20) How many different states/provinces did you travel to in 2010?
Again, I'm not an American. I went to one state and three different countries. I want to travel more next year but, the way my bank balance is looking, I'm not sure I can justify it.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2010?
Nope!

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Of course. My Nottingham crew and various friends scattered around the country.

23) What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2010?
Toy Story 3 and Precious (although, was that last year?). I didn't see that many films this year, not that I can remember anyway.

24) What was your favourite song from 2010?
Tenderoni - Kele, Regenerate - Booka Shade, Turn My Swag On - Soulja Boy, I'm In Love - Alex Gaudino and Wonderful Life - Hurts. They all remind me of very happy times.

25) What was your favourite record from 2010?
'The Boxer' by Kele Okereke. and 'Progress' by Take That. Both make me immeasurably happy.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2010?
Hardly any! Marina and the Diamonds, Kele Okereke (twice), MIA, Kelis, Glastonbury Festival.

27) Did you have a favourite concert in 2010?
Kele Okereke at Leeds Cockpit. Incredible. Oh, and seeing the Pet Shop Boys at Glastonbury. Blew. My. Mind.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2010?
Nowhere near as much as last year. My new found slimming regime didn't really allow for it and I often went three weeks without a drink.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2010?
I drank a lot of lemsip. 2010 was the year of the cold.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2010?
A lady doesn't kiss and tell.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
For the first time ever, I don't think so! Bar the usual drunken escapades, I was fairly well behaved this year.

32) Where did most of your money go?
Tax, national insurance and pension. Ugh. Also, my house and the holiday to New York. Oh, and clothes. Losing five stone in weight necessitates a new wardrobe though, right?

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2010?
I'm not aware of any lies. So either everyone I know is a very good liar, or they're all saints.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2010?
No, I don't think so.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2010?
Yes. I'm still not really sure what I did to deserve it either. C'est la vie!

36) How much money did you spend in 2010?
A lot. Hence why one of my resolutions for 2011 is to be better with money.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2010?
Probably winning Woman of the Year at my Slimming World group. Or getting promoted in March. Or losing over five stone. Or finally getting the keys to my very own house. 2010 was incredible.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2010?
Falling flat on my face in Butter, New York. In front of a full dining room. And then being helped up by the waiter. Mortifying. I wasn't even drunk, just clumsy.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2010 and change something, what would it be?
I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

40) What are your plans for 2011?
Embrace new opportunities, live life to the full, run a 10k race and not die, throw lavish dinner parties, eat well and take care of myself, laugh A LOT, kiss inappropriate boys and dance like noone's watching. Hurrah. I'd also like to develop Clear Your Heart more and see where it can take me.


See last year's list here, and 2008's list here.

300

 Taken by my gorgeously talented friend Leigh

This is my 300th post.


300 posts have brought me far from where I started.

300 posts have seen tears, joy, immense sadness and overwhelming happiness.

300 posts have helped me to meet some of the most sensational people I've ever met.

300 posts have helped to bring me back to life, as silly as that may sound. Without an outlet for my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, I'm not sure I'd be as happy as I am right now, right here in this moment.

Writing helps. It always has. I hope it always will.

As I reach the (slightly odd) milestone of 300 posts I feel that now is the time for this blog to go in a slightly different direction. So much of what I've written here has been about, or because of, him. Because of Chris, to give him his proper name. I'm done with that now. That particular chapter of my life is over. And it's time to finally say goodbye.

I thought I'd wait forever. It turns out that forever was nine months.


I guess everyone has their limits.

Only in dreams

My insomnia has reared its ugly head.


I'd been sleeping like a baby for months. My past sleep problems had vanished into thin air and, although I wasn't quite getting the requisite eight hours (more like six), I was always fairly well rested.

Until last week.

For the last eight days I've been really struggling to get to sleep. When I do eventually manage it I've been having incredibly vivid dreams. Dreams so intense that they wake me up and cause my head to spin. The subject of the dreams? C. Always. Inevitably.

Sometimes the dreams are of normal every day situations. Sunday mornings spent entwined in the duvet, papers spread out between us, the smell of fresh coffee in the air. An arm around me. A stroke of the hand. A smile. Sunlight streaming into the room. Sometimes the dreams involve frightening situations or situations so bizarre as to leave me confused when I wake, wondering what is reality and what is dream.

I'm not sure where these dreams have come from. I'm not aware that I've been thinking and lamenting and wondering a particularly huge amount. Is it my subconscious telling me that something is missing? Telling me that I'm not as happy and content as I think I am? Or am I reading too much into it?

I don't know. I'd like it to stop though. It only makes things harder.

Jolt

v., jolt·ed, jolt·ing, jolts.

v.tr.

1. To move or dislodge with a sudden, hard blow; strike heavily or jarringly.
2. To cause to move jerkily.
3. To put into a specified condition by or as if by a blow.
4. To make suddenly active or effective.
5. To disturb suddenly and severely; stun.

Can I add a 6?


6. To experience a jarring to the brain, caused by seeing a picture of him. Side effects may include: reliving every happy memory you've ever had together in a split-second; realising that he knows more about you than anyone else and missing that closeness; inadvertently remembering what he looks like naked; wishing you could play in the snow with him because he's childish enough to appreciate it; remembering where you bought that t-shirt for him and numerous other mind-invading thoughts.


In other news, I done gone made a snow pig...

OINK OINK!!

That was the year that was...

1) Was 2009 a good year for you?
Yes and no. I had some of the happiest times of my life but also some of the saddest. (That's the answer I gave last year but it still rings true)

2) What were your favourite moments of the year?
Valentines Day night out at Chibuku in Liverpool, virtually every moment of the holiday to New York (particularly the afternoon spent in a sports bar, drinking $3 beers and laughing our heads off), meeting Michael Eavis at Glastonbury. The best though? The moment on 31st May when the truth finally came out and the day and night were spent talking, making plans and finally admitting how we felt. I've literally never felt happier than I did the moment those three little words were uttered.

3) What was your least favourite moment of the year?
The moment we found out my Dad's cancer had spread, after the doctor had assured us that it hadn't.

4) Where were you when 2009 began?
I was in Thomsons in the gay village in Manchester. I vaguely remember doing the conga to a dance version of Auld Lang Syne. Good times.

5) Who were you with?
Friends, lots of them.

6) Where will you be when 2009 ends?
No plans. Probably something fairly low key with a couple of friends, or I might just go to bed at 10pm. I kind of just want this year to be over as soon as possible.

7) Who will you be with when 2009 ends?
Myself or a couple of friends.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009?
They were "To lose weight, go to the gym, get happy, work hard, sleep more, laugh more, love more, dance more, be thankful more, like myself more..."  I'd say I've achieved just over half of those. C-, could do better.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
Just to continue on my road of self discovery (I'm aware that makes me sound like a tosser) and lose weight. Slimming World here I come.

10) Did you fall in love in 2009?
I remained in love. Fell more in love, despite everything.

11) If yes, with who?
I think we all know the answer to that.

12) If yes, do they know?
I would imagine so, yes.

13) Are you still in love with them?
Always.

14) You regret it?
Never. I regret letting myself be walked all over. But I was so much weaker then than I am now. I never regret love. It's too rare and special for that.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2009?
Nope. I came closer than I ever have before, but I always believe that things will work out. I never walk away, not when I believe the other person's worth it, whether they think they are or not.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2009?
I became a lot closer to certain people and met a lot of lovely people through work. Plus a couple of other randoms that appeared in my life.

17) Who are your favourite new friends?
Work people. It's nice to actually care about the people you work with.

18) What was your favourite month of 2009?
April. New York, Go Ape, birthday celebrations of a certain someone.

19) Did you travel outside of your country of residence in 2009?
New York! Ooh, and Amsterdam on the way to New York.

20) How many different states/provinces did you travel to in 2009?
I'm not an American. Next year I hope to visit lots though. Helen's Grand American Tour 2010?

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009?
Lose as in die? No. Lose as in lose? Yes. I hope to find them soon. And put them in my pocket for keeps. (Again, my answer from last year)

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I miss the other half of me.

23) What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2009?
Avatar. Or Up. Or Slumdog Millionnaire. I loved every film I saw this year.

24) What was your favourite song from 2009?
According to Last.fm, Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Saint Etienne and We Interrupt This Programme by Coburn. How very fitting. Love, interrupted.

25) What was your favourite record from 2009?
I haven't really listened to a lot of new music this year. Probably 'The Back Room' by Editors. Although it makes me quite sad sometimes. Too many memories.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2009?
Not nearly enough. Basement Jaxx, Ladytron (in NYC, holla!), Girls Aloud, Pet Shop Boys, Tina Turner, Little Boots, Glastonbury Festival.

27) Did you have a favourite concert in 2009?
Tina Turner. Hands down the best concert I've ever seen and the woman is a living legend. She was on stage for two and a half hours, dancing like a demon. Truly incredible. I took my Mum for her 65th birthday and she had the time of her life.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?
Not as much as last year. Certainly not as much wine consumed in bed. It's no fun on your own.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?
Define drugs... I drank a lot of tea?

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2009?
I shared a bed with numerous friends. I rarely sleep.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I'm actually less ashamed of myself this year than ever before. I think, for the most part, I've behaved fairly well. There were a couple of alcohol related incidents that weren't exactly wonderful but I think it's best not to dwell on things that happen under the influence. People argue, that's just the way it is. It doesn't mean that everything is awful or wrong. It's the making up that counts.

32) Where did most of your money go?
Savings (for the first time ever), the taxman (I hate you), nice wine, make up and shoes. Always shoes.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?
I have no idea. I'm not aware of any lies. So either I haven't been told any or they were all very good liars. I haven't told any lies this year, as far as I can remember. Maybe the odd white lie, but nothing more than that.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
I don't think so. I hope not anyway.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
Yes. Nothing so bad that it can't be undone though.

36) How much money did you spend in 2009?
A lot less than last year. For the first time in nine years I'm out of my overdraft and I've paid off my credit card debts. Living within your means is the new living beyond your means.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2009?
Appearing on the Fourth Plinth.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
I don't actually get embarrassed very easily. That's what comes from going out with a man with no shame for 18 months. Haha.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
I'd change my Dad's results. I'd make him cancer free and healthy. Everything else will work itself out.

 

     “Things usually work out in the end.”

     “What if they don’t?”
     “That just means you haven’t come to the end yet.”

40) What are your plans for 2010?
To travel a bit, work a bit, live a bit, love a bit, laugh a bit and buy my own house.

Up, Up and Away

I went to see 'UP' last night which, if you're not aware (and if you're not, you're no friend of mine, you Philistine you), is the new Disney/Pixar offering. It's the tale of a little old man who decides to fulfil his lifetime ambition by going on a big adventure. In his house. By means of balloons. To put it simply, I adored it with every inch and pore of my body, mind and soul. It was heartwarming and lovely but with a bittersweet edge. I cried twice, I had fits of hysterical giggles at least three times and I spent the rest of the time utterly enchanted. And I mean full-on open mouthed, eyes-wide-with-wonder enchanted.

Go. See it. NOW.

If it doesn't make you smile and leave the cinema with your faith restored in life, love and humanity then you are a cold, hollow husk of a human. Fact. Plus, it's worth the entrance fee just for the short film that's showing before the main feature, 'Partly Cloudy.' And if the picture doesn't below convince you then nothing will. Clouds! Making babies! And baby animals! That's the pinnacle of all that is good and holy for me, right there.

If you could attach balloons to your house and go anywhere in the world, where would you choose?

Right now I'd pick New York (when wouldn't I pick New York?). I'd land my house on top of the Flat Iron building, set up shop and look down on Shake Shack longingly.

I miss burgers. Damn ye diet.